Oaklawn Hospital

I am in a rush at the moment so this is all I have time to post....this is a poem I wrote during my inpatient hospitalization just recently....

From Ashes to ashes and Dust to dust

The remains of Khaos have been returned to me...and he has been reduced to a small tin can full of ashes...it's kind of sad, really it is...also my guy friend who was obsessing over me is finally over me I think.....and last night was a pretty cool experience for me, Myself and 5 other women from my church went to a womens' homeless shelter in Grand Rapids, MI called Degage' Ministries...we went there to speak with these woman casually about God as well as show them how to make jewelry...so I brought them the items to make macrame'/hemp bracelets with a cross on them!! It was so much fun and it also made me greatful for everything that I have going for me...I may not be rich by any means, but at least I have my own bed and bedroom, I may not have a lot of food right now, but at least I have my OWN cupboards to store it in....these women had next to nothing and had to store what little they have in a locker and sleep on a mat on the floor amongst MANY other woman...and to know that I made a difference in the lives of at least 6-8 of these homeless woman made it totally worth the efforts I put into this and I just might have to go again!! Alsoo I sold 2 of my necklaces to woman from my church and I met 2 other woman from church that are doing a jewelry show on May 9th at the Union H.SCHL. and they want me too come too!!! So, I am pretty excited about that as well...

Anyways this is all I got to say for now...oh, wait, one last thing, while I was writing this blog my ex-husband called me about our son and child-support payments...or lack thereof, and he says he won't lower the payments at all...what a crock of shit he makes 3x's more money than I could ever make and he won't lower the amount to a reasonable amount for me to pay and he also had offered for me to sign off on my son's legal rights and if I did he would waive any and all child support money that is owed from the past and also present child support owed.....I am shocked, appalled and hurt that he would even think I would take him up on that offer!!! Over MY DEAD BODY!!! Fuck HIM anyways, now I am done writing....if you read this blog please leave me a comment!!!! THANKS, Love, Kasey

Just Here

Today I feel numb and in shock....I just can't believe my kitty cat is gone...I got some GOOD news today about my Substance Abuse Councelling...once I finish my homework the therapist gave me my last appointment is in 2 weeks....YAY!!!! Finally starting to feel like I am making progress...it's about damn time if you ask me!!

Anyways, I kind of have this dilemma with a close friend of mine, he knows who he is, but he is madly in love with me and has been for like 2 years and I have told him repeatedly: I do not like him like that!!!!! What part of this does he NOT understand???? He doesn't want to come around me when I have a bf, because he thinks he can break us up....to be blunt about it...YEAH RIGHT!!! That would never happen, because yet again...I love him, but NOT like he wants me too...I think he is being absolutely creepy,weird, and immature about this whole thing of me and my bf getting back together because we broke up for like a week and ever since then my friend has came back into my life... I want to be his friend, NOTHING MORE....but he just does NOT GET IT!!! What do I have to do to get that through to him???? GRRRRRR

Wednesday, March 25th, 2009 DEATH

RIP KHAOS March 2004-March 25th 2009

Well, Today is a sad, sad, day....I had to say goodbye to my furry little friend Khaos...it was the very first time that I witnessed first hand what they do to an animal when they "put them to sleep". At approximately 6:15pm Khaos took his last breath...poor baby. At least he is not in any pain anymore...but my heart is officially broken into a million pieces...he was my BEST FRIEND...he always comforted me when I was sad and licked the tears from my face, he was always there when I was feeling sick and he would comfort me with his loud purr. I am going to miss him like crazy...I DO miss him like crazy...so does my other cat Rupert...he's snuggled up in the towel I brought Khaos to the vet in right now as I am writing my tribute to Khaos....Here are a few more pictures of him:

Tuesday, March 24th-->somewhat happy

Today I am somewhat happy, only because I am greatfull that nothing catastrophic has happened...yet. That, and I got to see my girls for longer than usual today instead of 12:30-2pm I saw them from 12:30-almost 3pm...don't know why for sure and I wasn't expecting it either...so I was pleasantly surprized. Last night was no treat, I won't go into the details though...and today I am waiting for my friend Cathy to call me or come over and possibly go to an NA meeting with me as a support person, so I am kind of excited 'bout that...my instincts are telling me that I will get stood up by her today...don't know why but thats what I think will happen, it's just my true pessimistic colors showing I guess...she's an awesome girl-friend of mine but sometimes VERY forgetful!! But I love her to pieces and she has been there for me through some of my worse times!!! I am so greatful for everything my friends have done for me especially the last few months when things have gotten pretty tough for me they have been there so here are a few honorable mentions: Joey, Joe, Tim, Cathy, and Jim!!!! Thank you guys for making me feel so loved and for picking me up when I felt as if I could not keep on keeping on!!!! Today I guess I am just at peace with the way things are and even though I've still got some shit I am dealing with I feel there just might be a light at the end of this long dark tunnel....My cat Khaos is still very sick and still needs your prayers for good health! If he is not much better by the end of the week I might take him to the vet to be put to sleep and join all the other animals I have lost in kitty heaven so that I might see him there some day...it will break my heart to have to do this but I know it would be for the best so that he doesn't have to suffer anymore...watching him the way he is right now breaks my heart MORE than if he were at peace without all this misery he is in!! Poor kitty :-(

Well that's all I got for now...ttyl-erz

March 23rd-Patience..or IMpatience

"hi, my name is Kasey and I am a recovering addict"

Today I went to an NA meeting and heard something that I thought was funny and that I could relate to it....so funny in fact that I am stopping what I am doing to write it out...or I will forget I even heard it...This guy says he saw a poster about PATIENCE and on it sat two vultures sitting on a cactus in the middle of a barren desert.....It said FUCK PATIENCE I want to go kill something RIGHT NOW!!! get it??? If you do you will see why I thought this is hilarious, but then again I have an "off-beat" sense of humor.... Vultures live off of DEAD animals...and they didn't want to wait for something to die to eat their next meal!! Yeah yeah yeah I know it's sick right?? But in it's own way so is where I am at in my life...I'm soooo tired of WAITING!!! I am waiting for the day to come when my kids come home to me, I am waiting for the day that never comes....I am waiting to be perfect.....by the way who really is perfect?? I am still waiting to find that one out! I know that GOD is perfect and that we were made in His image....and that we spend our entire lives striving to meet HIM and to be PERFECT...but there is no way to tell when and if you ever get there until you are dead and He says "Well Done, my good and faithful servant".

I am so frustrated today, it seems like the minute I think or feel that I am getting somewhere in my life of up hill battles, the minute that I think I am getting towards the top of yet another hill someone knocks my feet right out from undeneath me, or I begin to slip and slide backwards because my worn out shoes have finally lost there tread...IT IS ALWAYS SOMETHING!!! Something that gets in my way...I am so tired of the way things are right now..."I don't know what's wrong, it's like I'm too far gone, it doesn't matter anyway. Fear is in my heart, just when I stop it starts and I can never live this way" is what they say in a Stonesour song that I really like. It's the chorus and this is how I feel like EVERYDAY!!! The whole CD is how I feel constantly, it's the CD with "i'm looking at you through the glass, I don't know how much time has passed, but it feels like forever and forever feels like home sitting all alone inside my head" I feel so mis-understood ALL THE FUCKING TIME... most people don't realize one MAJOR thing about me: I see 3 different perspectives on things..actually 4... MY point of view, YOUR point of view, HOW THINGS ACTUALLY ARE, and how GOD might see things...I hate this sometimes because I wish other people were more like me in this regard, life might be a little easier when it comes to managing the different relationships in my life!!

ANYWAYS, I am done boring you to death, it's a great day to be clean and sober, and with that I will pass....

Just kidding...this is how I would end my discussion at my NA meeting...it's habit for me to say that as i finish up talking at the "tables"....hope you weren't too lost with this blog post and if you were, well sorry, but thats just the complexity I call ME!! Please leave me a comment if you actually read this!! I would really appreciate it THANKS

-->Kasey<--

March 20th, 2009-->Mind Fucked

I feel so numb and mind fucked today. I stayed up all night because I was worried sick about my cat Khaos who was at the vet because for a solid week he didn't eat, drink, shit, or groom himself and has spent most of his time in the bath tub...and of course yesterday was the 19th of all dates WHY the 19th??? I have hated the number 19 ever since I read the Dark Tower series written by Stephen King...where repeatedly he talks about when things"go 19" in other words when everything turns to shit and you get this "i know something bad is about to happen" kind of feeling in the pit of your stomach...after I got home from leaving Khaos at the vet and after I found out he has a 50/50% chance of living...I came home and checked my e-mails only to find that my child-hood pet Barney..of 19 years passed away...and I found out on the 19th...and then stayed up all night and found out that my Grandpa has prostate cancer....what a fucking mind fuck...seriously this is way too much for me to wrap my brain around and still keep my sanity and work on keeping my schedule of a 101 things to do to get my kids outta foster care and now we can add to the list of shit to do and add "give CAT his medications" just fucking peachy....last week on the 9th me and my BF broke up we had been together for 9 months and I moved him out of my apartment and took him off the lease...only to somewhat reconcile a week later...i have GOT to get my head outta my ass seriously...and to make matters worse I got a friend of mine's EX-GF writing me e-mails and accusing me of fucking her X man...wtf??? I don't have time for that trivial BS DRAMA go save it for yo momma or Barack Obama or ANYONE other than ME!!!! Seriously!!!!